QUICK LINKS

Bell Jokes

BRANCH LINES:

Bell Jokes

or the improper use of the Block Instruments!

by Bob Wright

Those of you who know about Block Bell Codes and their relevance to train working will, I hope, see the humour (well mine anyway) in the following parody. For those of you who don’t see the humour in the relationship between the description and the code, go get the Regulations for Train Signalling out and take a look. You will see the relevance. For those of you who don’t see the humour or the relevance to Train Signalling, well . . .

Otherwise, here follows an extract from, basically, the October 1960 BR Western Region Signalling Regulations Book (pages 3 to 6) – with the following amendments which the General Manager at the time chose not to publish for some reason or another . . .

Use of Block Indicators and Bells

These must be used exclusively for the purposes shown herein and must not under any circumstances be used for conversing. They must only be used by the Signalman or other person specially appointed for the duty.

The movements on the block indicators must be made carefully, and the beats on the bells must be made slowly and distinctly, the pauses between the sets of beats being clearly marked.

To be used only where authorised and definitely not without the approval of the District Operating Superintendent or Senior Operating Officer of the Household. Children under the age of 30 are strictly prohibited from operating the Block Bells.

These bell signals are supplementary to, but not in the order of, the Regulations to which they otherwise would refer and Signalmen must make up their own minds, with reference to the circumstances prevailing, when they should be properly used. Note: The use of a split infinitive in the preceding sentence is intentional and is included herein with the express permission of the Railway Clearing House.

Bell Signals

DescriptionBell Code
Front door bell1
Rent collectorA number of beats in rapid succession
Dad coming through front door, or Mother-in-law getting off bus (see also 1-2-1)2
Is Line Clear for:—
The Queen’s favourite to win the 2:30 at Doncaster
4-4-4
Dad’s new car4
The Mayor’s new car4-1-3
A double deck trolley bus4-2
A single deck trolley bus3-1-2
An empty trolley bus – double or single deck2-2-1-2
Mum’s car3-1
Dad’s garden wheelbarrow1-3
A Lawnmower – diesel powered3-1-3
A supermarket trolley – without squeaking wheels1-3-1
An 18 wheeler Supermarket truck3-2-5
Mum pushing an empty pram2-2-1
A supermarket delivery truck with current MOT3-1-1
A grocers delivery bicycle with front brake inoperative5
Horse drawn baker’s delivery cart with horse shod on only three hooves1-2-2
Mum’s car with brake deficiency3-2
Oldest son’s old (new) car just failed MOT1-4
A milk float at end of days delivery (no longer used)4-1
A milk float at start of days delivery3
The Local Council tree-lopping vehicle1-2
Dad stopping at Pub on way home from work2-2-3
Double Decker Bus going under low bridge2-1-2
A Bicycle (or Tandem if applicable)2-3
A car towing a caravan or another car1-1-3
Two people passing on a narrow stairway2-6-1
Mother-in-law on the stairway2-6-2
Grandmother on the stairway2-6-3
Making sure Dad has clear run to bathroom after returning from Pub1-2-6
Dad deciding he wants to go back to Pub re above1-6-2
Other Bell Codes including Emergency Signals:—
Mother pushing a Pram
2-2
Mother pushing Pram with toddler by her side2-3-1
Going to the Pub3-3-2
Not going to the Pub8
Deciding not to go out on a cold night3-2-3
Mother-in-law coming to visit3-5-5
Mother-in-law offering to baby-sit during visit3-3-5
Mother telling kids that Dad has had a bad day at the office or, Mother-in-law at bottom of road1-2-1
Dad home from work2-1-3
Dad too long down the Pub6-2
Car out of Petrol, lost car keys or Dad incapable of returning home from Pub3-3-4
Reversing car out of driveway or Dad walking home from Pub with difficulty2-3-3
Wrong telephone number5-3
Policeman calling in to check on car ownership after stopping you for broken rear light9
Policeman shouting to colleague in car re above4-5
Driving in wrong direction down a one-way street2-5-5
Being chased by Police4-5-5
Opening garage door5-5-5
Closing garage door7-5-5
Closing electrically operated Garage door5-5-7
Dad losing temper at favourite football team own goal16
Daughter moving her car from Dad’s place in the driveway1-5-5
Cat (or Dog) taking up space in front of the fireplace, or Mother-in-law in bathroom6
Cat (or Dog) moved from in front of fireplace, or Mother-in-law out of bathroom2-1
Bad eyesight8-2
Closing the driveway gates, or Electric Token Block – Keys out from pocket5-2
Replacing telephone in cradle3-5
Checking water, battery and tyre pressures on car7
Kids left behind at last motorway stop5-5
Front door porch light out2-8
The Speaking clock8-5-5
Putting car in neighbours driveway2-4
Parking car on street3-3
Cheeky neighbour using your driveway to turn car, or Electric Token Block – Keys back in pocket2-5
Dial 999 (actually correct useage!)1-1-6
Telephone sales rep calling right at mealtime1-1
Permissive Working – Daughter can stay out late now Dad’s away on a business trip2-4-2
Permissive Working – Daughter can have boyfriend over or go as far as front gate but cannot go out dancing4-3

By Order of the Superintendent of the Wine. St. Pancreas, May 1998.

With apologies to all Regions of the former British Railways (whose Bell Codes the above were and what they really intended them to mean). Also, some of the above might vary by Region and none of the codes for the “Is Line Clear” descriptions bear any resemblance to those of the former Southern Region, as they liked to be different and apparently got away with it!

If anybody out there in Semaphore or TCB country has any additions to the above, let me know and we’ll get Inspector Hinson to include them in next week’s K2.